CONTENT WARNING: This post mentions self-harm, suicide, and sexual abuse.
The phrase “my other half” gets thrown around just as often as “I love you.” But what if your partner literally is your other half? What if your partner is the only person that can make you feel whole again?
I am 23, and I struggle with separation anxiety. More specifically, I suffer with extreme separation anxiety from my boyfriend.
I can’t even begin to tell you how much me and my boyfriend have been through over the course of more than three years together.
We discovered the hidden demons of my childhood sexual abuse. We’ve had to push through my terrible anxiety, panic attacks, and my OCD. We’ve had to fight past my severe depression, self-harm addiction, and suicidal thoughts and attempts.
My boyfriend has been there throughout my parents’ divorce and all the trial’s with my mom’s mental health. He’s seen how much I struggle with my dad’s alcohol addiction on a daily basis.
And these don’t even count what he’s gone through in his own life, in his own head. These don’t even begin to cover what we’ve had to overcome throughout all our fights and disagreements and misunderstandings.
My boyfriend is the only one who has been with me through it all. He’s the only one who hasn’t left my side. But I can slowly feel him leaving me.
My boyfriend is wonderful, but he says I like to control him. He says he feels he needs permission to do things. He says, “I can’t do anything without you freaking out!”
I can hear him sigh; I can see him roll his eyes. He’ll say “here we go again” whenever I begin to tell him what’s racing through my head.
Can you just stop and image what it would be like hearing something like that from someone you love the most? Someone you would do anything for.
Nobody wants to admit that they have dependency issues. Nobody wants to admit that they are so dependent on one person and without them being there, they completely shatter. My separation anxiety is taking an extreme toll on our lives.
Separation anxiety is one of the most terrifying anxieties I can describe. It’s an all-encompassing panic attack. I go numb. I go dizzy. Horrible, horrible feelings run throughout my entire body.
And my terrible, irrational thoughts pound at my brain over and over. I feel more worthless and more depressed. It makes the self-harm urges even stronger. It makes me want to end my life even more.
When I’m not with him, I am a mess. I can’t concentrate on my work or even the movie I’m trying to distract myself with. The time I do spend with other people is tampered by thoughts of his safety and whereabouts. I can’t focus on anything but him.
If he’s at work or school, I’m okay and I can breathe a little easier. But as soon as he’s supposed to get off and I don’t hear from him, my anxiety overtakes me. I shake and shake and shake.
What if he’s purposely ignoring me, because he’s sick and tired of dealing with me? What if he left me for someone else? What if he’s in the hospital right now? He must’ve died.
If he hangs out with his friends, or even his family, without me, it takes every thing in my power to not break down. If we’re out in public and he’s away from me for more than a couple minutes, I think he left me stranded. Even if he goes into a different room for too long, I think something must’ve terrible happened to him.
It’s gotten to the point when I can’t even enjoy the time we do spend together, because all I can think about is when he’s going to have to leave me again. I count down the minutes until we have to say goodbye, and I can never fully live in the moments we have together.
Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I instantly want to turn to hurting myself, because I just can’t freaking cope with my thoughts. I’m honestly so scared of what I would do to myself if I don’t get to see him.
And I know his hobbies and passions are going to have to take him away from me from time to time, and that scares the shit out of me. And I hate that he has to sacrifice his enjoyment with other things, because he is constantly worried if I’m okay.
I would never be able to live with myself if I was the reason he held back on life. Life is meant to be lived fully. To explore every opportunity as it comes. And thinking I could potentially ruin my boyfriend’s life is what hurts me most of all.
There have been too many times I thought about leaving him before he inevitably leaves me. He’s going to leave me one day. I can just feel it.
I know all of this sounds completely ridiculous, irrational, and over-dramatic. But why would I ever choose to be this clingy, needy, or so dependent on someone I can barely function? Who in their right mind would ever choose to live like this every single day of their life?
My separation anxiety could’ve been brought upon because my parents were never there for my emotionally, or sometimes even physically. Or maybe it’s another side to my OCD that I just haven’t quite figured out yet.
I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish for every thing in my power that I was different. But separation anxiety is extremely difficult to overcome.
Because the only cure I have is him. He is my remedy.
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