You definitely get worse going to therapy – it’s temporary (with a competent provider), like how you will get side effects from a new medication but you stick with it because it will likely go away and there is a net gain, but the trouble is real. We don’t talk enough about that. It is tough work looking at yourself, as is suddenly opening up your entire life to another person. Also, you’re now psychologically primed to notice problems (like how it feels like telemarketing calls go up after you put yourself on the Do Not Call list: they don’t, research proves they don’t, but you’re now looking at that goal of zero, which makes even your normal number seem enormous). To boot, most people seek therapy when they are in a state of decline, but it doesn’t instantly stop that decline.

We know people likely go through a decline when they begin therapy; there’s plenty of evidence of a decline, and even research. It should be talked about in society, but it also could be discussed more by therapists: in their promotions (social media, books, etc.) and maybe explained at the start of the process. I was lucky: trauma treatment comes with some steep falls, so what that would look like was discussed in my beginning, as well as prioritizing teaching a few coping mechanisms to shore me up before preceding. If only everyone could get that! I needed it: that fall hurt and, since I cannot afford therapy either, I am constantly jumping from provider to provider which creates gaps, and I need something to hold me up between (no, not skipping bills. In my area, you can get low-cost short-term therapy – government chips in – but that means 6 sessions, then back on the list for another 6 sessions that will be with someone else entirely).

I know it’s been years, but I wanted to validate that impression, both for you and any one who reads this. It’s real, you go down. Therapy is a treatment and, like any treatment, there are side effects and consequences. Any treatment is not an instant fix, but a net gain. If we pretend it’s not there, we’re not prepared for a possible reality or may ignore reality when it comes.

Hope you’ve been, and are, hanging in there.

My boyfriend’s willing to help, but cost is still a problem unfortunately. Thank you for your inspiration!

If you found a way, could your boyfriend help setting appointments and go with you to support & help you through the waiting? I find for my own experience that if someone I know and trust comes with me, I do better than without – though not for my current therapies as I started them long ago.

I have a psychotherapy for my trauma, and a CBT, my second, because I also had a bad experience, with my first CBT therapist who didn’t help for over a year. I blogged about it extensively so I won’t go in details here, but I had to find info and made some phone calls to set appointments with head of psych department in the local hospital, and she’s been very helpful in the past 9 months. It’s not just about clicking with the therapist, for me it was just a bad guy who abused the system who doesn’t follow on therapists, and he had an awful condescending personality, making me do lists for 15 months… giving no help, so I had ended that because I felt much worse going than I had before starting.

I hope that you will be readier eventually, to try again. Know that not all therapists are bad, not all will worsen your health to such dangerous levels.

I know that your difficulties have added to your negativity and that in such conditions, you might not see any possible change for the better. I’ve been in that desperation as well, in life-threatening situations and learned that the best way to get out of that mindset was to focus on anything positive, even the smallest one that you can find your life, and to slowly build hopes to improvement.
I also had found just a couple people who helped me, and this is where my constant offers to you have stemmed from not only did I grow to care about you, but also know that sometimes getting that kind of open offer can eventually bring you to believe that since you are cared for, you could tackle things, even the hardest ones.

You’ve already done some great strides in life. You have made it thus far with tools to avoid self-harm, found a loving, caring boyfriend who is there with you to support you no matter what. You have been blogging and sharing your experiences, and became part of inspirational people in a community of people of care about you.

Cling to these and any other positive moments, and try not to give as much power to the negative and traumatic parts of your past – only the thoughts that can help you see how combative you have been in their face and surviving so much already.
You are stronger than you think, even if you are very fragile right now. Believe in yourself, like all those who care about you – that includes me btw, if you had any doubts about it.

I’m in no way minimizing your feelings or difficulties- they are very real and I can imagine how they can affect you. I’m in no way saying that there are easy solutions, or that my suggestions can bring you what you need, because I’m talking only about my own experiences and I’m not you, but if these can help in the slightest, I’m here to serve, as the Vulcans say.
Big big hugs