CONTENT WARNING: This post mentions OCD triggers and sexual abuse.
I always knew my brain was a bully. My thoughts are racecars. They speed up and only slow down when they crash. I’m crashing every day before the finish line. Each day a new part of my car malfunctions. I can’t keep up. I can’t recover.
Probably the hardest part about trying to recover from my Pure Obsessional OCD is to not obsess about it (no pun intended), because that’ll only trigger my OCD even more.
One thing I’m learning is just how quickly my OCD symptoms make me incredibly agitated. You know like when you get a headache because you’re so angry? That’s what happens to me every day.
Here is a very basic layout of the obsessions and compulsions I have on a daily basis. I actually wrote these thoughts down as they directly came to me in the span of a couple minutes.
Why am I this way? No. You’re okay. You’re fine. Am I really okay, though? No, you are okay, Meagan. Stop thinking like that.
Why do I have to have OCD? What if I don’t even have OCD and I’m just being dramatic? No, you know you have it. You’re just being dumb right now.
But what if I never recover? What if I have to live the rest of my life like this? Oh my God. Imagine everyone having to deal with me all the time. Oh my God. I don’t ever want that to happen. That would be fucking awful.
There’s no way people actually like me. I actually don’t even like people. They’re so annoying. Wait. Why am I such an awful person?
My boyfriend deserves so much better. He deserves to be happy. I know I can never make him happy. He was happy before. I just fucking know it. He has to be lying to me every time he says I’m the best thing to happen to him. No, Meagan. You see how much he loves you.
But what if I don’t even love him? What if I’m forcing the feelings I have for him? What if I’m making all these feelings up?
He says he wants to get married, but it feels like he doesn’t. He wants kids with me, but I can never be a good mom.
What if I yell at them all the time? What if I don’t like them? What if I don’t love them? What if I hit them all the time? What if I abuse them? What if I do something to them like what was done to me?
No. You know you’re not going to do that. You’re not that kind of person. You know all you’ve been through, and you would never do that to someone else.
But what if these thoughts overtake me and I can’t control myself? I’m so scared to be around kids, because I don’t know what could happen. What if I mess up? What if I make the biggest mistake of my life?
You know you’ll be fine. You would never hurt anyone like that. But I don’t think so. People are capable of such horrible things.
Do I really know I’ll be okay? What if something else happens to me? What if I get molested again? What’s going to happen to me?
Meagan, you’re just being paranoid. OCD is just intrusive thoughts. You’re okay.
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