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Although I’ve lived with mental illness my whole life, I am not a medical professional. If you need help finding a mental health care provider, call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or visit BetterHelp to talk to a certified therapist online at an affordable price. This post contains affiliate links. You can read my full disclaimer.
CONTENT WARNING: This post mentions self-harm.
Depression is a very evil entity. It tends to breed from the inside and seep outside with every breath.
I’ve been battling depression on and off for about 10 years now, and every time it comes back, it feels like the entity gets stronger and more relentless.
I am tired. I am confused. I’m constantly triggered by emotional trials and questions of the unknown future.
My life seems to be quickly eroding from the elements of my depression. I’ve become engulfed by an inner darkness that twists my thoughts and drives my behavior.
Trying to restore my life seems nearly impossible in the midst of hurt and anger and emptiness. Restoring the aftermath is not going to be easy. But I’m trying.
I’ve researched and compiled a list of the traps depression puts me into. I’m not using depression as an excuse for my actions. But depression is an explanation for my thoughts, which in turn turns into my actions.
11 Symptoms of Depression
Flashes of anger come quickly, usually without notice. Sometimes, it’s hard to even decipher where the anger even originated.
When I feel tension bubbling on the inside, I try to “okay now breathe” and really tell myself that it’s really not worth it. Plus, I probably won’t even remember why I’m angry an hour from now.
Because feelings are so confusing, I’m desperate for something that I can control and understand. I need things to be predictable. Any minor upset that threatens the preservation of order can cause me to get furious almost instantly.
More and more, I’m trying to sit with the anxiety of not being in control. This might be the hardest thing for me, because of the past that shaped me.
The lower I feel, the more blame I tend to put on others. I accuse others of ignoring my needs. Others are selfish and never try to help. I keep note of grievances and obsess about the ways I was mistreated.
People are only human and they will hurt you, but I have to trust the world that people are not trying to do it intentionally.
I nitpick and point out flaws to draw the attention away from me. This way I’m not the problem.
I’ve realized this about myself, and it really is my immediate goal to debulk this. It’s truly not fair for those around me.
I have to accept the reality of what I have done in the midst of my pain. I’ve caused great pain to myself, and I have caused even greater pain to those I love. I am very sorry for that.
I escape to dreams of my future to erase the negative place I’m at now. Sometimes, I’ll soak up outside pain to drown out my internal pain. They provide me with temporary emotional highs and replace the feeling of depression.
It’s really not healthy to be self-destructive, and I’m looking for healthier alternatives, like becoming serious about yoga again.
UPDATE: I am now over 1 year self-harm free!
So much of the time, I feel like I’m not even really here. I’m just a bystander in my own life, watching it from the sidelines. I feel like I’ve disappeared. I am a shadow to my being.
My old therapist was really trying to train me to be mindful. I need to be more in the here and now. It’s really hard for me, but I have to be patient with myself.
7. Obsessive Thinking.
I can’t stop thinking about what I did wrong. I summon up every stupid thing I’ve done in my life. Memories of failure are vivid. These provide reminders of how inadequate I am every day.
Once again, I try to diminish this by asking myself, “Am I really gonna remember this a year from now?”
I need space and solitude to hold onto that little spark of energy that I have left. Things I used to like doing with other people, I prefer to do alone now. I almost look forward to going to work so I can distract myself from my own thoughts by being engrossed in tasks.
I’m actually trying to embrace this one a little more and become more independent by focusing on things that make me happy and not having to rely on other people.
When people ask, I might say everything is fine and appear quite sociable, but something is missing on the inside. Nothing really stirs up excitement. I have nothing to look forward too. There is no real sense of connection.
Lately, I’ve been trying to plan activities, instead of just staying in bed all day. If I plan something as simple as going for a walk outside, I have something to look forward to.
10. Inability to Talk.
The need for communication kind of diminishes. I feel content laying in bed and not talking to anyone for hours. If someone asks me if I want something or want to do something, I respond with very little words. I don’t have the energy for it.
Here’s where I push myself to have some kind of energy. Even if I lay in bed all day, I’ll make an effort to do something as simple as stretch in bed. I also try to express my feelings to my boyfriend as much as possible.
11. Shame and Worthlessness.
There’s a voice inside me telling me that I can’t do anything right, and I never will be able to. Everyone thinks I’m fine, but they just don’t know what I’m going through.
There’s no way someone could love someone who gets mad all the time, someone who never wants to do anything. Someone better will come along. It’s only a matter of time until people give up on me and find fulfillment with someone else. I’m not worth it. I’m living a substantial blurry lie.
But I am worth it. I am open-minded, honest, and empathetic. I make people smile, and I give really good hugs.
And if you’re battling, just remember that it takes patience. Lots and lots of patience. And hugs.
What ways does your depression affect you the most? How does it affect the other people in your life?
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